Maui, on the move

Tuesday, 14 February 2023, Maui

For the adventure du jour, I had chosen 'bicycle ride down from Haleakalā'. I had done that 40 years ago on my previous trip to the island, a 30-mile glide from crater to sea level, and recalled it as great fun. But with inflation, you know, you either pay more or get less... Nowadays, cyclists opting for that thrill only get half the miles. As Remy explained, "You know that old phrase, 'You never forget how to ride a bike'? Not true! We get people all the time, we ask them if they know how to ride, and they say, 'Of course! I haven't ridden for decades, but I remember how.' Those are the people that fall off in the first 15 yards.

"Now, when we started people from inside the National Park, every time someone fell and scratched themselves, we had to fill out government paperwork. The park service finally got tired of dealing with all the paper, so in 2007 they banned companies from bringing people into the park. Now we deliver them to just outside the park, and let them start coasting. But soon the road goes through a stretch with expensive homes - with residents like Tom Selleck or Admiral Chester Nimitz - and the residents got tired of dealing with bikers, so a year ago the state said we could not let groups of bikers go through there. So we'll pick you up here" - he pointed at a map - "and drop you off here for the rest of your ride down."

Remy was the guide from Maui Sunriders for me and six other cyclists in his van. His lilting, Afro-European accent put us all at ease. As he explained, "I was born in Casablanca, Morocco. Later, my family moved to Brussels in Belgium, then Nigeria. I moved later to Montreal, and then to Detroit... where I got carjacked twice. After that, I was ready for a more mellow home, and moved to Maui..."

On the ride up Haleakalā, he entertained us with his patter. "In Maui, we do have crime. There's petty theft, and drive-by shoutings, and the price of milk. Once, pre-Covid, I had to pay $9 for a half-gallon of milk..."

He pointed out interesting spots on the drive up, such as estates of celebrities, or the site of Jimi Hendrix's final concert. Music featured in a few stories: "Once I had the members of KC and the Sunshine Band take the ride. Remember them? It got to be 1:30, when everyone should be done, and none of them had returned their bikes! I had to go looking for them. Turns out they were hitting every bar or tavern on the way down, getting Mai Tais, Margueritas, and Maui Wowies..."

After passing Selleck's former estate, the land opened up - less trees, more grasses. Still Remy kept us listening. "Who knows what Haleakalā means in Hawaiian? Anyone? ... It means, 'mountain of doomed bicyclists'. Ha! Actually, it means 'House of the Sun'..."

Finally Remy pulled the van over just shy of the park entrance, and we all piled out. With us all geared and ready to start coasting,

he gave us one more tidbit to mull over. "Did you know Haleakalā is the third tallest mountain in the world, 75' taller than Mt. Everest? It tops out at 10,000' above sea level, but the bottom is around 20,000' under sea level. The two tallest mountains are Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea on the Big Island."

And off we flew! I had planned on recording a few minutes of my descent on my GoPro. I had the camera... but all my mounts lay safe in my suitcase, currently somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. Thus, I only risked a short video, holding it in one hand while braking and steering with the other.

I kept a near-constant grip on the brakes, no daredevil stunts today. Below me I could see rainbows - something I recalled vividly from 40 years past.

Switchback after switchback, I lost elevation. Too soon, I arrived back at the van - just in time, as I had dropped below the cloud level and it had started sprinkling.

Remy had another story to relate to us. "You know what non-native animal causes all sorts of problems? Rats! The islands used to have lots of ground-nesting birds, since they had no predators. But once rats arrived on the sailing ships, they discovered eggs were easy pickings! So one day an enterprising man said, 'I've got your solution - a mongoose!' To demonstrate, the took a rat and a mongoose, threw them in a box, and bingo! no more rat. The islanders were convinced, and bought out his supply of mongooses. It didn't work out too well, though - mongooses are diurnal, while rats are nocturnal. They would only see each over at the start and end of the day, during their commutes. And they both had an affinity for eggs!"

As we passed the neighborhood of grouches, Remy had a final, 'let's-get-to-know-each-other' spiel. He asked us each to give our name and our 'five-year mission' - what inner force drives us right now. Of course, I mentioned my challenge. The next person had a succinct response: "My goal is to stay alive and not get anyone pregnant." He didn't elaborate.

At the final stop, Remy urged us out of the van to finish our ride. This time, steady rain greeted us as we pedaled UP our only hill, which lasted all of 25 yards. After that blip, we had a less-steep downhill into the village of Makawao. The road passed by a collection of touristy shops and cafés. I picked out an inviting eatery and had saimin (a Hawaiian noodle soup) for an early lunch, hoping for the rain to abate. It pelted down for awhile as I ate before letting up a bit. Still, it didn't look like it would stop, so I had to push off.

By the time I returned to Paia, I had passed out from under my dark cloud, and the streets were nearly dry. Still, the rain reminded me of another of Remy's bon mots: "Have you noticed how this side of the island doesn't have resorts? It's because it's too wet! We get 120" of rain here a year. The Lahaina area only gets 13-15". On the other end, Hana gets about 300" a year."

But enough of cycling. Time to deal with the other crisis facing us: lodging. In planning this trip, we'd been shocked by the prices charged on Maui. As an example, a basic, no-frills room at the Marriott Kaanapali Beach ran $711/night before adding in taxes, resort fees, and what not. To cut expenses, we looked to airBNB - and one host revealed that the government (urged on by Marriott, Hyatt, and Disney Resorts, surely) had passed laws to squeeze the airBNBs out of business. We found one that used a loophole to get around it: "Buy a workout package from us, and you can stay here free. And if you don't want to use your workout... well, that's your choice."

We'd jumped at the offer - under $200/night! - but didn't pay enough attention to the details. Out in the country, with roosters crowing all night;

no A/C; an army of ants at every opening. The humidity finally did in Sue, so by the time I got home, she was researching hotel rooms. We finally found one in Lahaina (on the dry side!) for just over $400 nightly. We quickly packed our carry-on bags, drove to the airport to rescue our luggage, and headed to the Makai Sunset Inn.

At that price, we expected a dump - but the result surprised us. Up one flight of stairs, with no elevator. Small, certainly - but all the space we needed. A small kitchenette, a bedroom, a living room - and a lanai (porch) overlooking the ocean.

The sound of crashing waves would lull us to sleep for two nights. Perhaps the nicest hotel room we've ever stayed in!

But before that bedtime, we needed dinner. A stroll down front street at 5:30 took us to the heart of the trendy restaurant district. The first few places we stopped at gave us the same answer: all booked, no walk-ups taken. Luckily, Duckine had space at the bar for us, so we ordered healthy food from their eclectic menu while chatting with the bartenders.

Our biggest amusement came from one particular house-specialty drink for which they kept getting orders. In a large bowl shaped like a claw-foot bathtub (complete with tiny plumbing fixutres), they concocted a mixture of gin, egg whites, sparkling saké, and guava, sprinkled some unknown flakes on top. They then inserted two straws, and topped it all off with a pair of miniature rubber duckies. Said one bartender, "The plumbing fixtures actually work - but they end up spraying outside the bowl, so we can't use them."

We're not in Kansas anymore!